24 July 2015


When I was a little girl, and prayed with more regularity, I didn't ask God for much. I requested protection for the world's animals, and for my family. I asked for a watchman to look after every person and creature I loved. After these standards, I didn't ask for a bike or a doll. I didn't ask for a secret admirer or an A in math. I did, however, ask for a best friend.

I knew my sister was technically my best friend, but I wanted another person to add who wasn't family. I wanted someone to confide in, someone to confide in me, to whisper secrets to. I wanted sleep-overs and bike races.

I wanted an outsider to find me and choose me.

Now, I'm thirty. Around me, I have a lot of people I care about, a lot of people I respect. I've let other people down; I've been a flake. I've had school friends and work friends, situational friends I care about who are great people. I still keep in touch with some. However, I still have never had a best friend, someone whose contact and care has extended beyond the convenient boundaries of class or work.

I know that it's not up to God to find that person for me. I know it's up to me. I am friendly, but I worry I can't be a good friend. If you're one of the people in my life that I've unintentionally hurt, I'm sorry. I guess I'm still trying to find myself. Once I do, I may have earned the right to satisfying friendship.

08 July 2015


polluted rivers--
silent, even after
even after
one drop starts
the process again.