02 April 2015

Flaws and Guilt

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I'm not good at keeping in touch.

I eat too much, too quickly.

I stay up too late and generally don't get enough sleep.

I don't often get mad, but when I do, my temper is pretty fiery.

I try every day to limit my hypocrisies and personal inconsistencies; I fall short, but I at least try not to hurt anyone else along the way. I occasionally fall short with that, too.

I have trouble sticking up for myself.

I articulate myself much better when I write than when I speak.

I talk slowly and deeply and have always been self-conscious about my voice.

I don't trust easily.

While I've started to entertain the possibility that I'm pretty, I have always struggled with beauty and I am trying to redefine it for myself.

I care too deeply, sometimes to the point of neglecting myself and my own boundaries.

I don't want to disappoint anyone, let anyone down.

I'm scared of finding myself in severe poverty again.

I'm not afraid of death; I'm only afraid of not loving enough. That's not a typo.

I will live with my chronic health problems for the rest of my life; I get that. I just want more consistency so that I can have more flexibility. That will probably never happen, and I need to accept that.

I need to accept a lot of things, and stop feeling so guilty all the time.

27 March 2015


1 comment:

Guilt is my talisman,
my heirloom. A fresh coat of paint
separates me from the other women,
the other prisoners, our skin still wet.
If I told the truth now, I could
preserve you, like a picture in a locket,
my face and your face,
painted and frozen.
I can't. Your eyes
are blurry, and I am
trapped inside them.

21 February 2015


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I don't want to be a good girl. I want to be a great woman.
I don't want to be compared--
thinner than so-and-so;
dimmer than what's-her-name;
like a mother holding her child;
like what's-his-face's daughter:
she's someone's
daughter, someone's
future wife.
I am someone
Can they see me now? Can they be proud of me now?
I want to be a template
but more than a muse.
                            but more.

01 February 2015

Tired Subjects

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Most beauty is hidden, she said,
her lips plush, but I tell her my body
deserves more than metaphor, and yet I have
trouble doing it justice. I use these hands to shape
dough or clay or minds, hopefully,
but my own brain does the harder work,
translating my ___ thoughts into ___ language
to come out of my ____ mouth. There is no justice here,
because I am a sloppy human being. I struggle being.
Plans leave tiny marks, loose eye lashes
on my cheek. To call them wishes would be a mistake.
I'm afraid I'm not that optimistic.
Stray _____ thoughts.
I'm not selfish when I write;
I'm selfish when I don't write,
when I don't translate
my ____ thoughts into ___ language.
The symmetry is absent.
The symmetry is a wish.
But I am a sloppy human being,
so under piles of papers and rubber bands and receipts,
under this rubble,
must be beauty.
It must be somewhere.

22 January 2015

Not Mary Janes

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This is for my younger sister, Erica.


She always said that I had the hands of a baker, large palms for kneading dough, round fingers for thumbprint cookies, perfect for creases with jam.

And she had the hands of a piano player, her fingers long, angular, symmetrical. She took lessons, but gave up after a year, because the teacher smelt of burnt coffee, and her bathroom was way too purple.

When we were twelve and ten, respectively, we measured each other’s legs and lamented the stretch marks that were forming where our hips were widening. Boys noticed, too—not our marks, but our hips.

Meanwhile, her arms, long and sparsely freckled, reached skyward, and my own arms, short and soft, clung to my sides. We carried ourselves un-observantly. We didn’t notice boys, but we noticed girls. We noticed their hair, parted off to the side, clipped neatly. We noticed their eye brows, drawn with care, stray hairs ripped from their pores or combed to conform to neat little arches. We noticed the small feet, pushed delicately into Mary Janes.

But we were not Mary Janes. Mary Janes in sizes 11 and 9, respectively, made us look like clowns. We stuck to what we knew and understood, and for a long time, that meant that we stuck to hating our bodies.

But our hands eventually survived our hatred. And later, my breasts survived. Her legs. Bit by bit, body part by body part, we tried to salvage everything. Her crooked teeth were next. “David Bowie has crooked teeth,” she said, and that made everything better. After that, my nose made the cut. “It’s not too big, not too small,” I said. Then we noticed our own eye brows, how they lacked distinct shape and conformity. We noticed our mouths, big, toothy, prominent. We noticed how other girls noticed us. We noticed our height, our long arms finally reaching upward together, perfect for hugs.

I was fourteen when I realized that my body was my first home. It didn’t have to be a cage. It didn’t have to be an obstacle. It housed my brain, my spirit, my heart, but it was more than just a container. It could be warm and safe and strong. It could protect the ones I loved.

My sister and I still talk about our bodies. And we still sometimes complain. But they are and were the first things we ever owned, and we understand that now. We have done more than just notice. We have celebrated. 

19 January 2015

Selma and the Long Road Ahead

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Yesterday, I saw the movie Selma, which I highly recommend. The crowd was a mix of races, and as we were leaving, an older white man ahead of me commented, "I'm glad things aren't like that anymore." The two young black women behind him laughed.

Everywhere we turn, we witness the truth unfolding, and some of us are too desensitized to see it: Racism has never left this country; actually, racism is alive and well all over the world. I could see Dr. King protesting about Ferguson and New York, protesting about Nigeria. When I see "good people" fail to acknowledge current racism, like the probably well-meaning man I just quoted, I see Dr. King's face and Malcolm X's face in my mind and wonder how they would react.

Because the truth is that MLK's dream is far, far from realized. He's been sanitized and canonized, but in reality, he was radical. He was seen as a threat. His dreams are still a threat to this country in particular, because acknowledging systemic racism in America has yet to happen. It's true that we don't segregate blacks and whites in our physical spaces, but we sure as hell segregate them in our minds. Think about our discussions of rioting and looting. Think about our discussions of thugs and criminals. Even "good people" on Facebook, well-intentioned people, continue to Other black folks and chastise their behavior. Even "good people" on Facebook, well-intentioned people, are using terms like "sand n****rs" to describe folks whose mosques were bombed after Charlie Hebdo. These aren't conservatives talking, either. These people identify as progressive. Today, these people talk about MLK in fluffy, reflective ways. And yet they are ignorant to their own racism. They fail to acknowledge how their behavior perpetuates systemic racism. They fail to see that their "scolding" of folks of different races makes them a racist. None of us wants to defer MLK's dream, and yet all of us are actively deferring it.

After seeing Selma, I'm sure that the person who said, "I'm glad things aren't like that anymore," truly thinks that we live in a society where Dr. King's dream has been realized, but the young women who laughed -- a dark, knowing laugh -- understand the truth.

18 December 2014

In the Snow

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When were you planning on leaving?
I've already gone.
I could not leave quietly.
I kicked down
the door, the barrier
between you and me.
I kicked in
your front teeth.
I could not leave quietly.
The stories you tell yourself
are loud. They rattle my ear drums.
Do stories expire?
Do they become frail and tired?
Do they become lies?
I've already gone
and told myself the truth,
that I can be brave
and have my own stories,
that I can plan on leaving
at any time, my footsteps
making a pattern
in the snow.

07 December 2014

Of Houses

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Retroactive and backdated, gradually expired: I am an endless string of choices; I am riddles made of plastic; I make no sense, my teeth finally puncturing my lip; I am finally horizontal, stretched taut over the world, my womb containing numbers and data, my mind controlling my own version of space-time. I am an old calendar of pinups. I am an address book. I am a fallen tree, in which small animals make houses. Above all, I am useful, but only for so long; I am used, only for so long.

02 December 2014

Afraid (Reprise)

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Have someone else's will as your own.
- Nico

Pulling lint from your hair, string from your teeth, you wonder, "Who will take care of me?"

He sits sleepily in his chair, at his station, his assignment. He waits to be fed. He waits for you to take care of him.

Pulling short strands of hair from your food, left there by accident, a clumsy calling card, you wonder, "When will I be fed?"

You smooth the sheets, pressed cool on the bed. You look in the mirror, smooth your curls. From the other room, you hear a gentle snore. He's satisfied.

You are beautiful, and you are alone.
- Nico

25 October 2014

My Only Post on Gamergate

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Here goes nothing. Prepare for this can of worms if you must by sitting down with a glass of wine or bottle of beer.

As a newbie researcher/academic and long-time nerd, I've been asked several times what I think about Gamergate. This will be the only thing I say about it. If it were about ethics, then everyone advocating for these ethics would behave in an ethical fashion.

Leaking people's personal information when they disagree with you? I'm going to say that's among the most unethical things you can do. If you think that sending death threats to folks who disagree with you is perfectly alright, then that's unethical too. If you would gladly send me a death or rape threat for being a feminist and believing in treating other folks with respect, then I'm not the one with the problems, you are, and I would prefer if you stayed away from me and other people about whom you feel this way.

While not everyone engaging in this cruel behavior suffers from mental illness (entitlement is a symptom of a social problem related to having one's power challenged; it isn't an organic psychological issue), if you do, here are some places you can go to get help:

The American Psychological Association
National Institute of Mental Health

Additionally, if you're interested in the well-being of men, instead of researching and finding answers in the echo chamber of online forums, look into Michael Kimmel's work. Those who think that feminism is the enemy don't understand feminism's aims and goals, particularly if we're talking about intersectional feminism and womanism, in which case the myths are considered "common knowledge." Kimmel, a scholar and spokesperson for the National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS), will clarify these things for you, if you prefer to, at least at first, listen to another man with similar concerns, who addresses them in productive, just ways -- ways that are mostly absent from Reddit at the moment.

I used to think that the following should go without saying; unfortunately, I'm wrong, so here it is: Treating people poorly, telling them that you're going to kill them, is not rational, reasonable, or compassionate, no matter the argument. There's nothing wrong with people, regardless of gender expression, sharing the same interests, the same job titles, the same hobbies, the same rights, the same whatever.

If you are anxious about women and non-binary folks being gamers, construction workers, cops, what have you, then you need to get over it, because as the world inches slowly towards progress (with regressive moments sprinkled in, because of course), your tantrums won't stop you from getting left behind. Instead, realize that your interests, jobs, etc, are not being threatened -- the definitions are simply expanding to include more variety. That process doesn't negatively affect you or your way of life, just as women voting hasn't affected your ability to vote, just as white folks marrying black folks hasn't affected your ability to marry, and just as queer folks getting married hasn't affected your marriage, either. Your behavior, on the other hand, affects others, especially when that behavior includes leaking their home address or phone number, placing burning crosses on their lawns, or shooting them as you're driving past.

And remember: misogyny hurts everyone. Misogyny is the reason that men aren't allowed to be sensitive, because sensitivity is feminine and therefore a weak trait. If you're a "pussy," then you're weak, because anything feminine is weak. If you are a man who wants to be a nurse or a teacher to young children, then you're going to be criticized, because nurturing jobs are for women and somehow, men can't be nurturing. Nurturing is a weak trait in a man, even though many men become fathers. Being against sexism in all of its heinous forms and working towards dismantling it is an effort that works in everyone's favor.

So, historically and statistically, while allowing people who don't look like you to have access to rights and spaces that you typically enjoy doesn't impact your ability to continue to enjoy those rights and spaces, how you decide to disagree does affect other people and their ability to live their lives, if your choices include being physically, emotionally, and psychologically violent toward them.

What I'm suggesting isn't in any way new, and it is all rooted in logic. It is simply unreasonable to threaten women, or anybody, with rape and death. It is unreasonable to doxx them. In response to all of your arguments, it is unreasonable to harm the people you disagree with. I am disagreeing with you right now, and I have not decided to research and leak the personal information of the perpetrators of Gamergate. (And believe me: I spend a lot of time researching, so if I really wanted to find out, I could put those skills to work, but I refuse to do it.) I haven't threatened your life, and I haven't told you I'm going to assault you. I have only called you unreasonable and asked that you get the help you need and avail yourself of the great resources out there for you.

To the gamers in my life who are being affected by all of this, regardless of gender: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that these people are leaving you feeling alienated at best and scared at worst. I care about you and your well-being, which is why I'm here if you need to talk. In the meantime, I offer my hugs, support, and sympathy.

And that is all that I will say about Gamergate.

Blogger's Note: Not all feminists are the same; therefore, there may be ways in which I define myself that other feminists may disagree with. We're talking about a movement that is currently experiencing the tail-end of its Third Wave -- obviously, it's a movement with complexity. That said, there are still a lot of myths about feminism and its messages, and although my argument above is meant for a hostile audience and therefore is less radical in ethos, the crux of my stance -- which is, don't threaten or doxx other people -- should hopefully be something that's agreeable for everyone, no matter belief. That said, I'm still learning and growing, and I know I'm a flawed feminist. Keep that in mind as you read.