09 February 2016
and I want to be loved."
It is because I am a broken
cookie, someone else's token, with my crumbs
in a neat little pile.
My brokenness sees others who are broken
and maybe if I notice you,
you will get noticed by others
and someone will pick you up and love you.
And I will feel warm love knowing you are loved,
and it won't matter that we were crumbling before.
It won't matter because we are finally held and seen.
"We know better. We know that it will still matter,
but at least then we would be warm."
30 January 2016
When I am weak, I will draw from the sun, and the shadows of my self-consciousness will fall.
When I am a failure, I will draw from the moon, and the pattern of my tides will lull my anxieties.
When I am strong again, it will not be enough to be a good girl. I will have to be a powerful woman.
26 January 2016
focal vocal, by SRM
false start, false hope, false positive:
and when I turn my head, the light seems to smear,
instead of dart, like a false path, a blurry trick of the eye.
nearsightedness betrays me:
false vision, false ideas leading the way.
I pay my bills,
I ask permission,
I open doors,
I say "thank you,"
but each is a crumb
it's a thankless job, but someone has to
love you, breathe into your mouth:
the ghost of me filling the shell of you,
my falsehood becoming your truth.
31 December 2015
wet the clay again, again.
each attempt, a statue
each statue, a child--
an unruly promise, a life on its own.
dark eyes look at the sun.
bodies baking, promises finalizing
until the old is new again, again.
each attempt, another chance
each chance, another year.
07 December 2015
the day that she left me.
- Stone Temple Pilots, "Sour Girl"
were a breath
and I counted
each one you stole,
I would be empty,
a cavity, and you would
be richer, claiming
you earned the right
to each thought.
You'd call me a liar.
I'd watch as your teeth
fall out, one by one,
each a trinket
for my troubles, the debt
never fully repaid.
25 November 2015
and i would carry you toward your dream,
and your arms would swing wildly
in playful protest, and i would carry you
over the crest of your nightmare,
and with the pain nipping at us from behind,
trying to catch up but failing miserably,
we would be freer the further ahead we ran,
the further ahead we ran.
28 October 2015
- kicking people when they're down;
- awkwardly responding, "you too!" when told, "enjoy the movie!" or "have a good day in class" when the other person isn't doing those things;
- getting paper instead of plastic;
- successfully folding a fitted sheet;
- clogging the toilet with too much toilet paper;
- waking up today;
- apologizing as a knee-jerk reaction;
- giving windows that "streak-free shine" with the first attempt;
- saying anything other than, "I'm good, and you?" when asked how you are;
- doing awful privileged person things that make you cringe when other privileged people do them;
- delivering decent blowjobs;
- taking medicine with food at proper intervals;
- packing light;
- standing between two people who are fighting to block the blows;
- having a pair of tweezers in every room and in the car, for brow and misc emergencies;
- embracing my "crazy";
- properly using the Oxford comma;
- smiling no matter what;
- even if I don't want to;
- even if I don't owe you one.
22 October 2015
My wish for this upcoming week: no crises that need my immediate attention. Not to sound selfish, but I need to be able to take care of my shit this week without the powers-that-be interfering. Maybe if I write it out and send it into the void, my wish will come true. Here's hoping.
12 October 2015
Those three markers of my identity are intersections that shape my perceptions and experiences in western culture.
I benefit from the gender binary, as someone who is feminine and whose birth assignment aligns with my expression.
I benefit from white supremacy; because of my complexion, I can have unquestioned access to resources that my peers of color do not. My material privilege is assumed to be merit-based while my peers of color are not given this same benefit-of-the-doubt.
I can own a gun and use it and that would be my right; my peers of color are told they are thugs when they obtain a gun.
My life is not threatened on a daily basis, and cops don't pull me over every time I am driving.
Because of our misogynist culture, I am seen as fragile and hysterical, but misogynoir and transmisogyny magnify and elevate these misconceptions and put women of color, especially trans women of color, in constant danger. Lives are lost on a daily basis because of misogyny, misogynoir, and transmisogyny.
Every day, multiple times a day, it is my responsibility to interrogate and analyze my privilege. Sometimes, that process is uncomfortable; however, my discomfort is not more important than the lives lost to racism, transphobia, and other forms of bigotry that are woven into the fabric of American culture.
Being challenged does not hurt me.
Wanting justice for all does not strip me if my rights; everyone having rights does not eliminate mine.
These conversations are important to have, but the onus to educate me is on my own shoulders and not on the shoulders of those who are more oppressed than I am.
I am a cisgender white woman.
I am learning and growing in my compassion. I invite others to do the same.
08 October 2015
of our dreams.
and line them
in a row.
With tired eyes,
we judge them harshly,
the cracked ones
into the ocean.
When did we become